If we're fucked up you're to blame

more friend stuff, hannah and lisa mostly

1:33 a.m.
argh. seriously what happened to our friends?? i just feel like theres animosity and deception everywhere.
I feel bad for writing this while kelsey is here but ill make it short. kelsey showed me hannah's lj. i didnt even know she had one and she didnt want people to know. but then she told carola, and andrew, and then kelsey. like god, does she not think we're close enough? jesus christ i just hate it when i feel like someone doesnt think im close enough to them.
im really big on close connections. like not just being friends and doing stuff with someone. having something, sharing something. and i have that with every one of my friends. i feel like thats how i determine if i have a real friendship or not. hence feeling so alone at au (ive had one expeirence like that with rachel (minus brett), thats it, only that one person once).
i always thought hannah and i had a great connection and now i just feel like we dont. she told carola first. and when that thing happened to andrew he called carola and told her. then her told everyone else at the 5th grade sleepover. then over spring break he finally told me. i had already know for like 2 or 3 weeks before that.
and apparently alexandra is pushing everyone away or something. people are pissed at her or something.
argh and hannah wrote about how shes not upset about how we all feel like our group dynamic is changing. she said that she probably wouldnt keep in contact with us after high school. that just pisses me off.
lately i just feel like our group and my friendships dont mean anything to people. like obviously hannah doesnt feel like she truly trusts me or that we do have a connection. and lisa hates me for stupid reasons and shes too much of an immature irrational bitch to say anything to me. god and i almost wish she would because i can be a vindictive bitch and i can call her out on all her shit and refute everything she says because none of it is true. god it just makes me SO mad that her reasoning isnt even true.
yes i need people. yes they make me happy. if i dont have my friends at home i literally have nothing. and thats the truth. thats why this all bothers me so much because there is so much at stake.
i keep hoping that ill go home in the summer and everything will be okay and like it was. but what if it isnt?
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